Candy You Should Absolutely NOT Give Trick-or-Treaters
Halloween is supposed to be about costumes, candy and children running around the neighborhood pretending to be superheroes, ghosts and characters from movies they probably should not be watching yet….
Halloween is supposed to be about costumes, candy and children running around the neighborhood pretending to be superheroes, ghosts and characters from movies they probably should not be watching yet.
It is also about revenge.
Because if you have ever spent November 1st pulling toilet paper out of your bushes, you know exactly what I mean.
There is nothing quite like waking up after Halloween, looking outside and discovering that your house has been turned into a crime scene by a group of tiny masked delinquents.
The porch is covered in candy wrappers. The driveway has mystery footprints. Your bushes look like they are wearing a giant white scarf.
And somewhere, a teenager is laughing about it while eating the last piece of candy from your bowl.
So this year, we are fighting back.
Not with toilet paper. We are adults.
We are fighting back with candy.
Here are five candies you absolutely should not give trick-or-treaters.
Candy #1: Circus Peanuts.
Nobody wants Circus Peanuts. Nobody. They are orange, shaped like peanuts and somehow taste like a banana had a bad experience. They've been around forever, and yet I have never heard a child say, “I hope I get a Circus Peanut tonight!”
You are just giving them a candy-shaped disappointment.
Candy #2: Black Licorice.
Is this candy? No. It is punishment disguised as candy.
Black licorice has one job. It enters your mouth and immediately makes you question every decision that brought you to this moment.
Kids will take it because they are greedy. That is fine. Let them learn.
And if the kid who took three rolls of toilet paper last year reaches into your bowl and grabs one?
Oh, suddenly you have a whole handful.
Enjoy.
Candy #3: Peanut Butter Kisses
Those peanut butter candies wrapped in orange and black wax paper?
You know the ones. They look festive, like they belong at Halloween. Yet, they taste like a candle.
Nobody knows why.
They have the texture of something you would find in your grandmother's purse in 1987.
And yet they survive every Halloween.
Honestly, they may be the most powerful candy in the bowl because children will stare at them for three full seconds before deciding whether it is worth the risk.
Candy #4: Necco Wafers.
Yes, they are technically candy.
Yes, they come in multiple colors.
No, that does not mean anyone wants them.
Eating a Necco Wafer feels less like eating candy and more like taking communion at the Church of Why Am I Doing This?
They dissolve, crumble and have flavors that range from “vaguely sweet” to “I think this might be wintergreen.”
And if your little neighborhood hooligans have been TP'ing houses, they have earned the full Necco experience.
And Finally: Candy Corn.
Now, I know this one is controversial.
People either love candy corn or hate it. Middle ground? Ha! Nobody says, “Candy corn? It's fine.”
And that is exactly why it belongs on this list.
Candy corn is basically the political debate of Halloween candy. It divides families, starts arguments and makes people question their friendships.
Give it out. Generously.
Put an entire handful in the bag.
But here is the thing. We are kidding. Mostly.
If a six-year-old dressed as a pumpkin shows up at your door, you should probably give that kid a Snickers.
We are talking about the older kids.
The ones who arrive at 8:57 p.m., who are too tall to be carrying a plastic pumpkin, wearing a mask that covers half their face, taking six pieces and then ask, “Can I have another?”
Those are the ones you watch closely.
Because somewhere among them could be the future toilet-paper bandit.
So this Halloween, keep the good candy for the little kids.
Save the Circus Peanuts for the suspicious teenagers.
And maybe keep a roll of toilet paper inside.
Not for revenge.
Just in case.